midge 02:55 AM 07.20.02
the only chips we had left were the stale horrid little broken pieces at the bottoms of three bags. we decided against it and now husband is making me pierogies. he doesn't like pierogies so they're just for me. i married a funny little sweetie who's butt i like to pinch while he tends to the frying pan.
midge 02:24 AM 07.20.02
work is getting more normal now. i've been doing it long enough that i don't need a sheet telling me what to do to close the registers, and i don't miscount the floats as much, sales ended up being really high for the day, which is good, but not for me in particular. i can work my ass off and snow people into buying a pile of extra shit but i don't get anything apart from the satisfaction of not getting fucked with and yelled at. i need to get out of retail. this is where school comes in. my brain is capable of functioning and i can enjoy learning and do it quite well, especially when there's an incentive (like getting out of retail). i can't be sure what i want to do, because careers are like ice cream flavors to me, each has it's pro and it's cons and all i really care about is how good it will be in my belly (wallet). it can't be anything too slimy (ie: sales, law, real estate), or anything too physicaly demanding (ie: nursing, policing, trapeze artistry) and it has to pay good and be a field with flexibility as far as what you can do and how you can do it. i'm thinking psychology (maybe a specialized form of it, abnormal or criminal) or generic field that interests me (there's always teaching, consulting and pud gigs based on a BA or MA of any flavor) because i don't want to get into anything too boring or awful. anyways, i always liked shows about murder. a few weeks ago my mom gave me some ativan she was prescribed for stress at work. i've been taking them occasionally when i feel stress migraines induced by catastrophies (ie, midge the goon kicks the backup and main power to registers off and disables the bastard windows computer, cash register gizmo that does everything for the store), and when i have to go up the ladder thingy to do merchandising and other bullshit work up high (i have crippling vertigo) where i normally couldn't go without losing my mind. it helps me so much, i wonder if that's good. it doesn't seem like medication should be able to have that large of an influence on your balance. oh well. it doesn't seem like much, the fear of heights, because it sounds like nothing... the word fear i think is misleading. when i have to get up on a ladder i have to hold something, one step is okay, maybe i don't need to, but more then one and forget about it, i have to have a hand on something stable like the wall or ceiling at all times. i also can't have my hands above my head unless they are touching something steady, i can't reach for what i can't see, and tilt my head to look up or the room spins and i feel like i'm falling. my knees feel weak, they shake if they're not leaned against a wall or something. if that wasn't bad enough, i begin to picture people walking up and pushing me off the ladder, and as i do i feel like i fall for real, the room spins, it sucks ass. sometimes i remember other times i had to get on ladders or other times i fell, it's all vivid and shitty, like being on 10 ladders at once. the ativan keeps my mind from racing, spinning, i don't know...i suppose that's good. it would be better if i had no fear to medicate though. husband says he misses it when i don't write in here because he likes to spy on me and see what i think about stuff i don't always tell him. i think i do too, i can be that self absorbed. today was the day of people being rude to me and little korean exchange students with brutal sounding coughs. i closed the registers and balanced the bank deposit and my mom came and got me a&w for lunch. i got to sleep in and make little white potatoes in a can. i'm going to eat guacamole, black bean & corn salsa with tortilla chips, then cuddle husband and/or my kitten and go to bed. it was a good day. did i mention the power went out on our block for a few hours last night because butt crack kids were throwing rocks at the electrical thingymajigg up a pole and broke something or blew it up? cause it did. we lit candles and sang happy birthday songs because that's what you do when you light candles, even if they are rolled beeswax made to look like california roll sushi.
midge 12:35 AM 07.19.02
i just applied for university in january. scary.
midge 12:15 AM 07.17.02
they're going to air the osbournes uncensored here. how is it that a local network affiliate in canada is less uptight than the big youth oriented music television station in the united states? they also show the sopranos, and dave foley said JESUS FUCKING CHRIST on cbc once. it boggles the mind.
midge 12:11 AM 07.17.02
i made sponge toffee that turned out more like bustin' teeth toffee but tastes good none the less. i spent a good part of the day doing a balancing act on slippery river rocks that tried their damndest to dunk my ass into the water. it was fun despite the heaps of screaming children and little grey fish that suck your legs sometimes. my cat went to the vet yesterday and behaved beautifully, she got her shots and a check up from a small limey veterinarian that kept calling her puss (how fucking cute is that?) and handled her so well that she didn't flip out or get too frightened. tonight is the end of my two days off, tomorrow i open the store and rediscover the beauty of my iron bladder. see unfortunately, the person who opens the store does so on their own, and remains so for the better part of the morning, sometimes until 1pm even, with no possibility of a potty break. do the math people, 9:30 am - 1 pm with no whizzing. it sucks ass to say the least. if i don't drink anything from the time i wake up, i do fine, but these are the things bladder infections are made of, and that's no fun. tomorrow i start looking for another job, either a part time one so i can cut back on my dependance (and time spent at) my current crap bag job, or a full time replacement, preferably in a 24 hour video store filled with nerds that play the same strokes song over and over. things are good but i complain a lot. it's all very hard and i don't deal with that so well. i've been looking at curriculum and programs i'm thinking about for school. i'm leaning toward psychology. figure that one out.
midge 01:54 AM 07.16.02
okay so i'm not dead, just busy and mentally tired most. that would be nothing new except for this time it's true, and with good reason i think. my job weighs heavily on my conscience, peddling shit and selling misinformation sucks. i have it, and it's a paycheck, but maybe the price is too high, i don't know. between the skanks i work with (and serve), the idiotic policies, unpaid overtime, lack of breaks and consideration commonly given to human beings, i find it hard to like my job much. i guess i like that i don't have to look for it anymore. sometimes i can't believe i live here. it's alien and bizarre. i see people i knew a long time ago and bury my head in the sand, hoping they don't recognize me. nowhere is 24 hours and everything feels expensive. it shouldn't be this weird, it didn't used to be.
