midge 11:17 PM 10.04.03
i am so tired some times. tired of everything. i take paxil and i feel okay but i want to go see a psychiatrist to work on the inner workings and severe psychological problems that result from the various traumas that have been my life. nothing feels safe, hardly. can that be normal? gosh i hope not. pessimism is a warm blanket i wrap around myself to protect me from the sharp nasty world that is not concerned for my soft squidgy insides. i stopped thinking i should be a writer... i run out of things to say, and it's all tempermental, it's spurts and then it dies. little pieces of nothing that make sense when they're puking out, but look like vomit when they're laying on the floor, cooling, and look... there's a popcorn kernel. who knows what i wanted, and who knows why what i have isn't good enough. it's hard, so hard, outside, this is the problem i think, i tell myself, but what if it's me? who am i to expect any different. it feels so empty, every day, it's email bingo for united way, worries over parking spots and false ideals of respect and politeness. who the hell are these people any way? how can this be? why bother, it's worth doing is it? i can dig and dig and go and go and try but all it does is turn into a big brown lump that won't move, won't do anything but look feel and smell so very boring and scary. it's so much nothing i just want to cry, how can i be a part of this... it's all so bizarre. everything i do wrong is just more proff that society is not meant for me, and please put me in a hole, let me live in the ocean in a bubble, give me warmth and smiles and safe all around me. that's all i want. safe. got something to say?
midge 09:39 PM 10.04.03
people who think reading about my life is a waste of time are right. i'm probably over your head anyway. got something to say?
midge 09:33 PM 10.04.03
i think now a days it's all about falling down. i've been doing a lot of that lately. today was hard and i feel tired. saturdays always seem hard to deal with, so many things to do, and such painful reminders that another chunk of time has gone by, and it'll be back to the grind in no time. i don't mind getting old, but i don't like this tim slips away as the ratio of minutes, hours, weeks and months you've lived gets closer and closer to what you've got left. i'd like to see my daughter grow up in the same time frame she's experiencing right now, where every week is insanely long, and christmas can't possibly come fast enough. it's scary when it flies like this. on another note i bought the packs of garbage pail kids today. yes that's right, you heard me, they're back. i haven't had a chance to inspect them yet because husband put them somewhere, but i'm excited nonetheless. i also saw some oopsy merchandise at the wacky novlty store and was intrigued. she looks how i feel most of the time. but shame on me for feeling sorry for myself. anyways, i am a good typer, certified even, and i have my whmis certification so i know what to do in case of chemical spills. i am also cranky and my feet are cold. too much spending today, i'm in a funk, although my oven is fixed. there is a guy who looks like prince, big hair and all, and has white plastic rimmed sunglass like morris day and the time, and he is a manager at the safeway. he wears trenchcoats and puffs his hair out. i saw him out raking leaves in his yard the other day while driving home and i am contemplating stalking him. he's a marvellous specimen. where could you even get glasses like that anymore? got something to say?
